Weekend of Nami

The whole week was spent planning our trip to Nami Island. It was originally set for Saturday morning, but we got a late start and ended up hanging out in Myeongdong. The M4108 is a rad bus that goes to a whole bunch of stops in seoul. Wish I knew about it earlier. Since nami on sat failed, we planned it for sunday. Sunday morning we got up, walked to the bus stop, rode the bus for about an hour then got on the subway for another 2, but got lost so we went on a detour that made our subway ride a total of 3 hours. oops. that was my fault. the subway splits twice, and i thought it was only once...-_-;; lol. but, we made it to the location, ziplined to the island, took some pics and ate dak gal bi. yummmm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Xh_ONvUdtQ

video of us ziplining

not denying anymore.

stop.
breathe.
focus.
backtrack.
rationalize.
i am really going to miss you and i hate that I am saying this. I hate that I got to the point where I am just like everyone else, able to feel. It's somewhere I've never been because I never wanted to go there. And I hate that I am here. Not gonna say I regret because I dont. I wanted you to do what you felt as I was doing what I felt. I was wrong no matter how good I thought it was. Foolishly wishing and hoping while knowing it was all nothing, meaningless, and never going to go anywhere made me a babo. but i tried. and that's what keeps me from regretting. At least I tried. I probably wasnt even supposed to try, but I did me, what I had to do. I wont lie, I am glad you were with me. but then everything that had been in the back of my mind provided by other people's perspectives suddenly came to the forefront and I got scared. for the first time I was afraid I would fall hard and lose and hurt. I was scared for the first time because we are going no where and we will never go anywhere. So why didnt I stop earlier? why didnt you just push me to the side, tell me that it wouldnt matter because I'm leaving, tell me that wed never go anywhere, say that youre happy with her? it's not fair. i cant be second. thats not who i am and it sucks knowing that what I feel is something I dont really have the right to because who am I?

I do just wanna hug you, still. I do think I made the right decision and that you should give me kudos cuz my ballz are bigger than yours. I do wish you wouldnt just say "if that's what you want ill do that." I dont know what I want. I dont know what I am doing. I am afraid that I am feeling regret for the first time. and this sucks. its not fair. not fair not fair not fair. too many firsts because of you...

but hey, I'm leaving, you're leaving. You wont remember me and I wont remember you... lets hope. lets try to forget it all. erase it. all. though I do wanna say: thank you for playing my game and fuck you for making me play yours.

just when...

I thought it was finished. but, obviously it wasnt. thought I was done, but i got pulled back in. into a mess, where i really didnt want to go. but, it doesnt seem that bad. maybe it's because i figure i have a right to be my own self, my own person with my own feelings, making my own decisions and mistakes. unfortunately, it all involves an intertwined complicated mess of thoughts and feelings. you know, im beginning to wonder if its just the human. how, tho? it didnt seem like that, but assessing the bg, there really isnt anything to fall back on, right? so how then could it be purely the human when it was 1. never thought about, 2. recently occurred. it wasnt initially my decision, it was you who walked away first, to claim to be done. and i was okay. i got my own life going on. but, why then do we find ourselves here?

im not stopping tho. im gonna continue to be me and do me. you can call me irrational, greedy, selfish, spoiled, self-centered, cold-hearted, and I'll sit there and agree. nothing to hide, nothing to be proud of, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to wait for, nothing. as the world revolves, we evolve, and time doesnt stop, so life goes on.

let's be honest

honestly, I think I love you.
honestly, I think I have loved you for while.
honestly, I think I could be in love with you.
honestly, I think I might have fallen in love with you then.
honestly, I have no clue what I am talking about.
I have never dated.
I have never been in love.
I have never felt or expressed such.
honestly, I hate that I am here, in this position--having already forgotten, already fought,
but willing to do it again.
honestly, I say that I am done.
honestly, am I?
honestly, I have pride, a big ego.
honestly, I think I can let it all down for you.
honestly, I think I will wait.
seriously, this isnt me.

when i grow up

when we're kids, we talk about what we want to be when we grow up. the endless possibilities we line up in our little minds about who we'll be, what we'll do, where we'll go. as we grow up we step into reality knocking off one by one those dream jobs we wanted to have. some grow up to be what they wanted to be, most end up at a desk job forgetting about their past aspirations to be that firefighter, doctor, lawyer, president, musician, etc. as for others, we continue to live in the same world where that long list just gets longer. we become adults who think with the same minds we had as kids. immature? living in an illusionistic world? a big baby? maybe I'm refusing to grow up and face the reality of having responsibilities or the idea of settling down. always floating around and just wanting to enjoy my life. one year in s. korea, another in d.c., two in india, another two in haiti, to l.a. for one, etc. that's life...to me. who will I be? a passerby. what will I do? build friendships. where will I go? everywhere. or, will reality soak in and make me decide to stay. why does society have to pound into our minds that we cannot possibly have a real life without the settling, without the stability, without the responsibilities. social conventions. social norms. social pressures. society in which westernization paints our life for us, sets our goals before us. spontaneity, risk, pleasure in the unknown, fear of the unknown versus the dread of taking the next step already set up for you. what will we become? can we accept it? will we be content?

How I Like it

I like my:
popcorn burnt
blankets crisp
jeans tight
bike rides down hill
jacks light
colors dull
summer nights warm
furniture square
nails short
hair frizzy
men tall
fruit small
shorts long
windows fogged
water lemon-ed
fish raw
rainy days bright
beef tough
pillows knit
pens heavy
coffee caramel brown

gone

a few years ago i met someone who said to me, "youre gonna leave me like everyone else."

i thought that was totally absurd and a rather rude thing to say to someone you just met. i wanted to get to know her. be her friend. prove her wrong. what kind of "friend" leaves another? what did she take me as? who was she hanging around to have ended up feeling like that?

she was right. i did leave her, as did she. i blamed her for pushing people away and causing herself to be alone. she wasnt the most sane girl, but she was nice. easy to get along with. and now i feel myself totally understanding what she meant, and it sucks.

it takes a lot of time, effort, and energy to open up to someone, to share your thoughts and secrets. but one by one, those who i have invested so much in have left. the more i open up, the less of you i will see. im not sure whats going on, but im guessing the answer is in the root of the problem: me.

as an acquaintance im quiet, reserved. i leave first
as a buddy, i listen and laugh. all surface. i leave first
as a friend, i talk and respond. strip a layer. i leave first
as friendship grows, i care and i share. strip a layer. we leave together
as i strip down, i exhaust my energies. i wait
as i am naked and transparent, youre gone. you left first.
so whats the point of starting?
why try when its for nothing?
it takes too much time to back track to tell every story. how many times do i have to tell them?
it takes too much effort to think and share my thoughts.
it takes too much energy to open up.
why should i do it? why should i do it again? why dont i stay reserved and keep privacy?
its good while its going, but once its gone it reminds me of how pointless it all is.
so why start when you already know the ending?