let's be honest

honestly, I think I love you.
honestly, I think I have loved you for while.
honestly, I think I could be in love with you.
honestly, I think I might have fallen in love with you then.
honestly, I have no clue what I am talking about.
I have never dated.
I have never been in love.
I have never felt or expressed such.
honestly, I hate that I am here, in this position--having already forgotten, already fought,
but willing to do it again.
honestly, I say that I am done.
honestly, am I?
honestly, I have pride, a big ego.
honestly, I think I can let it all down for you.
honestly, I think I will wait.
seriously, this isnt me.

when i grow up

when we're kids, we talk about what we want to be when we grow up. the endless possibilities we line up in our little minds about who we'll be, what we'll do, where we'll go. as we grow up we step into reality knocking off one by one those dream jobs we wanted to have. some grow up to be what they wanted to be, most end up at a desk job forgetting about their past aspirations to be that firefighter, doctor, lawyer, president, musician, etc. as for others, we continue to live in the same world where that long list just gets longer. we become adults who think with the same minds we had as kids. immature? living in an illusionistic world? a big baby? maybe I'm refusing to grow up and face the reality of having responsibilities or the idea of settling down. always floating around and just wanting to enjoy my life. one year in s. korea, another in d.c., two in india, another two in haiti, to l.a. for one, etc. that's life...to me. who will I be? a passerby. what will I do? build friendships. where will I go? everywhere. or, will reality soak in and make me decide to stay. why does society have to pound into our minds that we cannot possibly have a real life without the settling, without the stability, without the responsibilities. social conventions. social norms. social pressures. society in which westernization paints our life for us, sets our goals before us. spontaneity, risk, pleasure in the unknown, fear of the unknown versus the dread of taking the next step already set up for you. what will we become? can we accept it? will we be content?

How I Like it

I like my:
popcorn burnt
blankets crisp
jeans tight
bike rides down hill
jacks light
colors dull
summer nights warm
furniture square
nails short
hair frizzy
men tall
fruit small
shorts long
windows fogged
water lemon-ed
fish raw
rainy days bright
beef tough
pillows knit
pens heavy
coffee caramel brown

gone

a few years ago i met someone who said to me, "youre gonna leave me like everyone else."

i thought that was totally absurd and a rather rude thing to say to someone you just met. i wanted to get to know her. be her friend. prove her wrong. what kind of "friend" leaves another? what did she take me as? who was she hanging around to have ended up feeling like that?

she was right. i did leave her, as did she. i blamed her for pushing people away and causing herself to be alone. she wasnt the most sane girl, but she was nice. easy to get along with. and now i feel myself totally understanding what she meant, and it sucks.

it takes a lot of time, effort, and energy to open up to someone, to share your thoughts and secrets. but one by one, those who i have invested so much in have left. the more i open up, the less of you i will see. im not sure whats going on, but im guessing the answer is in the root of the problem: me.

as an acquaintance im quiet, reserved. i leave first
as a buddy, i listen and laugh. all surface. i leave first
as a friend, i talk and respond. strip a layer. i leave first
as friendship grows, i care and i share. strip a layer. we leave together
as i strip down, i exhaust my energies. i wait
as i am naked and transparent, youre gone. you left first.
so whats the point of starting?
why try when its for nothing?
it takes too much time to back track to tell every story. how many times do i have to tell them?
it takes too much effort to think and share my thoughts.
it takes too much energy to open up.
why should i do it? why should i do it again? why dont i stay reserved and keep privacy?
its good while its going, but once its gone it reminds me of how pointless it all is.
so why start when you already know the ending?