gone

a few years ago i met someone who said to me, "youre gonna leave me like everyone else."

i thought that was totally absurd and a rather rude thing to say to someone you just met. i wanted to get to know her. be her friend. prove her wrong. what kind of "friend" leaves another? what did she take me as? who was she hanging around to have ended up feeling like that?

she was right. i did leave her, as did she. i blamed her for pushing people away and causing herself to be alone. she wasnt the most sane girl, but she was nice. easy to get along with. and now i feel myself totally understanding what she meant, and it sucks.

it takes a lot of time, effort, and energy to open up to someone, to share your thoughts and secrets. but one by one, those who i have invested so much in have left. the more i open up, the less of you i will see. im not sure whats going on, but im guessing the answer is in the root of the problem: me.

as an acquaintance im quiet, reserved. i leave first
as a buddy, i listen and laugh. all surface. i leave first
as a friend, i talk and respond. strip a layer. i leave first
as friendship grows, i care and i share. strip a layer. we leave together
as i strip down, i exhaust my energies. i wait
as i am naked and transparent, youre gone. you left first.
so whats the point of starting?
why try when its for nothing?
it takes too much time to back track to tell every story. how many times do i have to tell them?
it takes too much effort to think and share my thoughts.
it takes too much energy to open up.
why should i do it? why should i do it again? why dont i stay reserved and keep privacy?
its good while its going, but once its gone it reminds me of how pointless it all is.
so why start when you already know the ending?