not denying anymore.

stop.
breathe.
focus.
backtrack.
rationalize.
i am really going to miss you and i hate that I am saying this. I hate that I got to the point where I am just like everyone else, able to feel. It's somewhere I've never been because I never wanted to go there. And I hate that I am here. Not gonna say I regret because I dont. I wanted you to do what you felt as I was doing what I felt. I was wrong no matter how good I thought it was. Foolishly wishing and hoping while knowing it was all nothing, meaningless, and never going to go anywhere made me a babo. but i tried. and that's what keeps me from regretting. At least I tried. I probably wasnt even supposed to try, but I did me, what I had to do. I wont lie, I am glad you were with me. but then everything that had been in the back of my mind provided by other people's perspectives suddenly came to the forefront and I got scared. for the first time I was afraid I would fall hard and lose and hurt. I was scared for the first time because we are going no where and we will never go anywhere. So why didnt I stop earlier? why didnt you just push me to the side, tell me that it wouldnt matter because I'm leaving, tell me that wed never go anywhere, say that youre happy with her? it's not fair. i cant be second. thats not who i am and it sucks knowing that what I feel is something I dont really have the right to because who am I?

I do just wanna hug you, still. I do think I made the right decision and that you should give me kudos cuz my ballz are bigger than yours. I do wish you wouldnt just say "if that's what you want ill do that." I dont know what I want. I dont know what I am doing. I am afraid that I am feeling regret for the first time. and this sucks. its not fair. not fair not fair not fair. too many firsts because of you...

but hey, I'm leaving, you're leaving. You wont remember me and I wont remember you... lets hope. lets try to forget it all. erase it. all. though I do wanna say: thank you for playing my game and fuck you for making me play yours.